


Figuring out what we are

by Cozaure



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x02, Coda, Dean explains why he acted like he did, Episode: s15e02 Raising Hell, Little bit of angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Season 15, dean winchester and castiel are finally talking, episode 15x02, mention of the deal with the empty, quite happy ending, season 15 coda, we are coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 06:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21315679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cozaure/pseuds/Cozaure
Summary: Coda to episode 15X02, because their conversation couldn't have ended like this!« We are. »Dean froze, and slowly turned back.« Precisely, Cas. That’s the point. What are we ? »Cas made one step towards Dean and tilted his head :« What do you want us to be, Dean ? »
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 27





	Figuring out what we are

**Author's Note:**

> It is only my second fiction in the Supernatural fandom, and my first in English (English is not my native language). I'm not completly happy with everything that I wrote, but I really wanted to write a "We are" coda.  
I hope you'll like it!

« We are. »

Dean froze, and slowly turned back. 

« Precisely, Cas. That’s the point. What are we ? »

Cas made one step towards Dean and tilted his head : 

« What do you want us to be, Dean ? »

Dean was looking at his feet, but he could feel the intensity of Cas’s stare. He hesitated for a moment before answering, unsure : 

« So, I am the one who can decide this, am I ? »

« You always had been », simply answered Cas. 

Dean frowned.

« What do you mean ? »

« You know how I feel about you. I’ve never hidden my feelings for you. You’re the best man that I know, you have the brighest soul I’ve ever seen. You know how I admire you, and you know that I’ll do anything for you. I already sacrificed everything I had for you, I always followed you, always trusted you. I already told you I love you, a few years ago, when I was about to die. And I already proved that I love you more times than I can count. My feelings are clear, you know about them. I know that you don’t share them ; I know you’ll never return them. Despite knowing it, I always tried to deserve your love, doing everthing you wanted, protecting you as much as I could, trying to be useful for you. Dean, I know that you are angry, and that you’re still blaming me for everything. I know the situation is confusing. I don’t know what I can do for you to forgive me. I always did what I thought was the best. But you helped me to become more and more human, and being human is also about doing mistakes. Things are not easy for me, now. I lost my son. I learned that my father was against us. My powers are fading. But the worst is how bad, how useless, how guilty I feel when you look at me. And it’s even worst when you ignore me. I know I made mistakes, but I didn’t mean any bad. So here am I, begging you to forgive me, because I have nothing more to offer than my love. But… I get that it’s not enough for you, that I crossed a line, that you don’t want to forgive me. We can be what you want us to be, Dean, the choice is yours. But I think I can’t bear this situation any longer. If you want me to leave, I’ll leave, because I don’t know what else to do. You have one word to say, and I’ll leave, and I… »

« Don’t you dare leaving me now, Cas », finally said Dean.

He was still not looking at his friend. His fists were clenched, his face was harsh, and closed. Cas stopped talking, waiting for Dean to go on. 

« I lost mom. I lost Jack. I lost everything I thought I had, everything I believed in. The only things I have left are Sam and you. I’m afraid to lose you, Cas, because I’ve already lost you before, and I couldn’t bear losing you again. I can’t go through everything without you ! »

« Then, why are you rejecting me ? » 

« Because it’s the best way to not lose you forever ! » finally burst Dean. 

Cas looked genuinly confused.

« What do you mean ? »

« I know about the deal with the Empty, Cas. Jack told me. And I thought that maybe, if I were treating you harshly, you wouldn’t be happy, and therefore wouldn’t be taken by the Empty… At the beginning, it was easy, because I needed to blame someone for everything… But I can’t bear looking you so devasted anymore, Cas. And, I…. I… You… You seem so sincere when you say you love me. But… I don’t deserve it. Cas, you’re an angel, and I’m so flawed ! I know I’m acting like a fool with you. See, it’s the proof of how imperfect I am. And you’re a perfect being. You literally can’t love me. I wish you could. And, I think that’s also why… I think that’s also why I want to blame you for everything. Because, in that way, you seem less perfect… More… Affordable ? I mean, I’m not perfect. And deep inside, a part of me can’t stop thinking « maybe if he’s not perfect, then we can be equal and maybe, there’s a slight chance that you can actually really love me. But I know it’s not your fault. I know you always tried your best. I know you’ll always be way better than me, and that I’ll never deserve you. So, you know, it’s just better if you hate me for a reason, because of the way I act, and not because of who I am. This way, I can control it. And I can still think that maybe, if I stop acting like a fool, you may love me. The fact is, Cas, that I love you more than I ever loved anybody, and I know that I don’t deserve you. I know I’m not worthy of you. And it hurts so much, that being so harsh with you is a way to protect me… I know it’s selfish, but it’s the only way to cope I found… »

Dean stopped talking, because his voice was too broken, because he was too tired, and because he knew he was on the verge of tears. Actually, he was already crying. He was feeling vulnerable, exposed, and he was perfectly aware that they had reached a point of no return. Things would never be the same as before again after those revelations. For both of them. But the situation was already wasted, so he assumed he had nothing left to lose. He was staring at a point on the wall behind Cas, his vision blurred because of tears. He didn’t hear Cas approaching, and grabbing him tight, pulling him into a hug. 

« Don’t cry, Dean, please… »

But Dean’s shoulder, where Cas’s head was resting, was becoming wet, proof that Cas was crying as well. 

« Dean. I’m here, okay ? I’m so glad you finally talked to me… Now, we can fix the situation… » 

« Isn’t it too late ? »

« It’s never too late. We can figuring it out. I know we can. I had no idea you were feeling all of this… Now, I understand you. I know we can fix this, but Dean, you have to have faith in me. You have to trust me. You have to trust me when I say I love you, you have to trust me when I say you deserve to be loved. And you need to keep talking to me… Please Dean, I’m willing to try, to do everything that I can, but I can’t do it alone… You have to work with me, here… Please, Dean ? »

Dean was still burried into the hug but he finally managed to answer :

« Okay Cas. I trust you. » 

« And I do even better. I trust us. And everything will be alright, as long as we have us ». 

« I don’t know what we are exactly. But, Cas, I really want us to be something. »

« The most important is that you know we are real. ».

« I know we are. » 

Through the tears, Dean finally allowed himself to have a weak smile. He could feel that Cas wouldn’t let him down, that he could have faith in him. So, yes, maybe things were still complicated between them. He acted like a fool, he didn’t respect Cas, he hurted him. But now, he knew he could trust him. He knew that Cas would help him to go through everything. He knew Cas would help him to figure out what they were. And most importantly, he knew they were real, and at this moment, it was all that matters.


End file.
